Justin Bieber: NEVER SING NEVER
by ILoveIanHarding
Summary: This is a parody of JB's book. Dedicated to my BFF Callie, for she is as nutty as I. Oh-no! My greatest weakness! LANDSCAPING! I love you girl. :D Also to Leah, for being my biggest support, and to Amie, for being British, Love you guys! ;D


100% Superficial: JUSTIN BIEBER: First Step 2 Obscurity: My Story

"I need somebody

I, I need somebody

I need somebody

I, I need somebody

I need somebody

I, I need somebody

I need somebody

I, I need somebody."

-Justin Bieber

"Somebody to Love"

I'll never forget writing those lyrics. Though the verbal minimum of words, I was was trying to capture the feeling of needing somebody. Did I accomplish my goal? Yes I did. Although I'll always wonder if maybe I should have stuck in one more "I need somebody" just to make sure my message shone through.

These are the questions that torment my music and provide its depth. But I guess creative restlessness is crucial to my being the great songwriter that I am.

And I couldn't have done it without you, the fans. That song is about you. All of you are that somebody I need. And without everybody being my special somebody, I'd be nobody. Just ask anybody.

Therefore, I dedicate this book to you. I value my relationship with you so much. It's so valuable, I could never, ever put a price tag on it. However, I do know that California residents must add 8.25% sales tax.

**Luv ya, Justin**

I know what the haters are thinking. Most celebrity autobiographies are vanity press ego trips. You might be worried that this book will be a big, fat valentine to myself. Not to worry, I'm Canadian. And we don't celebrate Valentine's Day in Canada. We don't, right? Or maybe I'm thinking of Labor Day.

And yes, I've heard the old joke about the celebrity author who's written more books than he's read. In my case, that's not true. I've read _The Very Hungry Caterpillar _AND _The Grouchy Ladybug_, even the scary parts. And I'm almost halfway through _Goodnight Gorilla._

Despite my literary credentials, people have asked me how I can have the egotistical gall to release the story of my life when I'm only 17 years old. Well, what about Anne Frank? She was only 15, and nobody complains that she put out her autobiography. Anyway, she seems a little overrated. If she was SUCH a great author, why didn't she ever write a second book?

Now I'm a great author, but my #1 job will always be putting R&B songs out there for people who are a little intimidated by the music on _Glee. _However, you can't make everything totally vanilla. You have to show the world that you have an edge. And we all know that I'm a rule breaker! Like this one time, a few months ago, I was doing a signing appearance. And at the end, I pocketed the Sharpie. Hey, don't cross the wildcat's path - you might get scratched!

I know how fortunate I am. I don't know what the economy is, but I do know that this is a rough one. That's why I made a special trip to Michigan to do a free concert for the unemployed steelworkers. Times are hard for them, but I knew they would appreciate seeing a 17-year-old multimillionaire.

I felt my amazing success was just the thing to lift the community's spirits. Like this one guy, Jerry. He's 48 years old and suddenly his entire way of life is gone, poof, and it's never coming back. Medical coverage, mortgage payments, his children's future, and he's lost it all. The least I can do is dace around and sing "Eenie Meenie."

And I think Jerry appreciated it. He gave me one of the last exhaust systems he built before they cut his job and shut down the factory. He probably should have brought it backstage, instead of chucking it off the balcony. If it had landed two feet closer, I wouldn't be writing this now, ha, ha! But I guess Jerry probably doesn't get to go to a lot of concerts and doesn't know the etiquette.

Phew! I never knew writing a book would be this hard! Each paragraph is like a million tweets! Of course, twitter is heard, too. I never have enough thinking in my head to fill up the message. Thanks, exclamation points! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

I guess this would be a good spot to list the rest of my exclusive Twitter Tips:

1. "Sooooooo" fills up more space than "so." It's the perfect word to use when your message is sooooooo vapid!

2. Every concert should always be described as "crazy." Awards are also "crazy." The tour is "crazy." Photo shoots are "crazy." Basketball is "crazy." Meeting celebrities is "crazy." But using a thesaurus would be insane.

3. Condense your message by using numbers in every message; for example, "2 awesome!" or "b4" or "some1." Less commonly, you may get to use "4closure," "circumnavig8," or "9, Mein Fuhrer!"

It's no wonder I have millions of followers who can't wait to hear what my finger typing thinks. In fact, I was the number one Twitter trend of the year in 2010. Suck it, Haiti earthquake!

Two years ago, I was an unknown with 4 or 5 online clips that my mom put up. Today, there are over one million Bieber videos on YouTube. And fewer than half of those claim I've just been killed by a speeding car, a terrorist bomb, electrocution, getting mauled by a moose, or all four. I was really sad when I saw those clips, until my manager told me they were just hoaxes.

But just like my voice, I haven't changed. I'm still me. I'm still the same wide-eyed kid who used to sing for coins on the streets of Ontario. It's just that now, I have six huge NFL guys on injured reserve to keep away the grabbers and the slobs, a smell army of Teamsters who set up the equipment every night for my epic 12-second drum solo, and my own line of cosmetics. I'm very proud of those. It's like rubbing me onto your face!

It's true that we use average-looking girls in my videos. It's part of the Bieber Master Plan. Rule One: nobody's allowed to be cuter than me. Ever. Also, it lets all of my dopey fans imagine that if I'm making my googly love face at some charity case, they could get me, too. I'm always telling my fans to believe in dreams. So if you're a civilian and you think you have a chance at being my girlfriend...keep dreaming!

For my videos, I insist on doing my own choreography. Sometimes I point at the camera, but other times I point up in the air. Sometimes I hold my arms apart, and sometimes I touch my chest. I even clutched my fists once, but that reflected a side of me I don't like to acknowledge. For next year, I'm thinking seriously about adding an actual dance step!

Wow, are we at the end of my book already? It's amazing how fast 240 pages fly by, although the 217 color photos didn't hurt.

I'm sooooooo glad you took a trip into my world. I hope that my autobiography proves to have even more timeless value than the Situation's, or the one by that Miss USA beauty pageant loser who didn't want the gays to get married. I promise you, this amazing journey has only just started. And I'm inspired by something a great man once said: "Pick it up, pick it up. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up."

Hey, wait a second! That great man was me!

**Luv ya, Justin**


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